disappointment... again

I shouldn't be surprised, but he has cancelled once again. I thought that I was past the point of being disappointed with him but as it turns out I am just really good at hiding it.

Even right now as I sit here trying to get a hold of my thoughts and feelings, I don't have much attachment to it... oh well I say - I have lots that I can do... but if I am honest with myself, I was looking forward to seeing him.

I think it frustrates me, no hurts me, because I really ask for so little from him and he still can't even do that. And then I ask myself - why do I even bother at all.... because beneath it all, I know he loves me, beneath it all he is hurting, beneath it all he is afraid to see his failures...

I have to say though, it is encouraging to me to see how far I have come in this entire situation - I no longer blame myself and think that I am not good enough for him, nor do I 'caretake' the situation... the choices he makes are his own and are not mine to carry... I do however have to deal with the effects of his choices (ex. him not coming to see me) and I think the saddest part for me is that I have desensitized to it, I have come to expect him to be a 'no show'.... that is sad to me - because I am someone who always tries to see the best in a person, someone who always believes in God's grace over people's lives... that is sad to me because he is my father and no child should ever feel that way about their parent. Dad's should be the heros, the role models, the champion, the rescuers, the safe place for their children - their daughters... Mine is not... at least one of them is not...

My Papa on the other hand is all of those - he is my hero, he is my role model, my champion, my rescuer, and my constant safe place... I can honestly say that in the places where my earthly father has failed me - Papa has been right there to catch me and to guide me and teach me and most importantly... to love me. My Papa is the one who taught me (his princess) what my standards should be and how to live my life... My Papa is the one who calls me his princess and loves me the way that a father should...

Sometimes I don't know how to tell people why I believe in Jesus, or why I talk about God the way that I do... but all I know is that if people could step into my world for just one moment - there would be no denying his presence in my life... he has been the most faithful 'person' I have ever known... when everyone else 'abandoned' me... he was there... when I was ready to take my own life... he was the one who stopped me... how could I not love someone like that? - how can someone like that not be real?

So when my earthly father disappoints me... guess where I go - to my Papa for a hug... I climb on his lap and he wraps his arms around me and he says "I am here my precious daughter... I am here"