on the inside

Don't read unless you enjoy eavesdropping! *wink (lots of it won't make sense - but I've got to ramble)

Papa you know my heart... and it looks like I have it all together right now - and really I can't see where I don't... but on the inside - I am feeling kind of a mess... not really sure why... Pause

Maybe its my upcoming move... I know that this is your leading, but while I feel the excitement of the adventure, my heart aches for what I am leaving behind... *tears
Its hard to move away from the familiar, from people that I love - from people that I KNOW love me... to a place that is small, secluded, and where I have no deep relationships... There are people that I know and love dearly... most of my family is there and that gives me some hope - and I am sure there are more who love me also - I don't mean it like that Papa... but you know what I mean... the deep connection - at least I will have you... no matter what happens, where I go... I will have you - and I am learning that you are more than enough for me...

It all seems so much bigger than who I am... I feel so helpless sometimes... and then deep inside of me I wonder... will I get lost and forgotten in the place that nobody has heard of called Terrace? But then no, destiny cries out in me...

5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."
7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
(Jeremiah 1:5-10)

I want to be and do all that you have called me to... but while I feel all of this, I still ache for all that I leave behind... and thats ok, I am mourning the 'death' of my past... Papa, I trust you and I know that you have plans for my life (I may not have a sweet clue how they will take shape) and I know that you will fulfill them... afterall, everything else you have promised you have always come through on for me...

Now that I have just verbally spewed words... and tears... I am tempted to just delete this but I want to be honest always... and really it would just be my pride that wouldn't want to share my hurt... to want to appear like I have it all together... I don't! And I want to be humble always...

So with this new beta blog - you have post options... and labels that you can put on them... any ones that are my 'times with Papa' I am labelling "My sacred romance" and in honour of the delicacy and intimacy of those times - I am going to choose to not have comments... if you choose to read my journals - you are more than welcome - just please remember that I am human and these times are 'sacred' to me