I had taken a leave...

"In Luke 15:17-20 a young man who has badly insulted his father 'comes to his senses'. It is a remarkable turn of phrase, because it implies that we are never truly ourselves or at our best when we are far from God. It implies that when we leave God we take leave of our senses." - Herb Sawatzky

How often do you have 'bad' days? It seems that I have had more than my share the last while... not anything in particular really just an overabundance of sleepless days/nights, probably some PMS, and unfortunately too many days where I haven't spent the time with my Papa... all of the above contribute to a bad day or temporary insanity but I think that the last one is the clincher... we are not ourselves when away from our Papa... this seems to be the turmoil I have felt... I KNOW the truth - and I am pressing into that - singing and praying - HE IS MY JOY - MY ALL IN ALL.... and that is the purpose of my life...

My cousin posted the above quote on her facebook... and I just about glanced over it... my Papa is so incredible the ways that Publish Posthe speaks to me! :)

and so... I am officially no longer on leave of my senses! ;)

typical December 31st... ATYPICAL NEW YEAR!!

In official New Year’s Eve fashion I am sitting here with a heart full of dreams and goals and resolutions for the New Year ahead… things that I want to accomplish, things I want to try, and things that I want to improve upon… I also sit with my Bible beside me: why you ask? Simply because I have learned that to embark upon a new journey alone would only lead to disaster – I need the guidance of my creator – he is the plumb line of my dreams and aspirations, he begins by instilling the dreams and passions within my heart and then he is the strength within me to carry them to fruition….

I read a quote yesterday that I am going to use again today: Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves. – Robert Frost…… It takes a life of complete surrender to live a life of true success. We cannot withhold who we are neither from our creator nor from those around us, let alone from ourselves. We were created for a passionate engagement and love affair with our Heavenly bridegroom and with all that he has placed in our lives. I look back at my year 2009 and see the times of purest joy and truest life were those times that I allowed the me that God created to shine beyond the fears that so often hold me back.

2009 was a great year, one that I will always cherish in a special way as it marked the joining of my life with the man my Papa gave to me… Matt and I were married in August at the riverside… This year – 2010 – it is time to jump into the river… the river of God… to quote a great artist: “sink or swim, I’m diving in!”

Ps 36:8 “They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, and You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.”

**Ps 46:4-11 “There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn. The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted. The Lord of hosts IS with us; The God of Jacob IS our refuge. Come behold the worlds of the Lord, Who has made desolations in the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire. Be still, and know that I AM God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts IS with us; The God of Jacob IS our refuge.

Rev 22:1-5 “**And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God and of the Lamb. In the middle of its street, and on either side of the river, was the tree of life, which bore twelve fruits, each tree yielding its fruit every month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. And there shall be no more curse, but the throne of God and of the Lamb shall be in it, and His servants shall serve Him. They shall see His face, and His name shall be on their foreheads. There shall be no night there: They need no lamp nor light of the sun, for the Lord God gives them light. And they shall reign forever and ever.”

I am excited to see what God has in store for myself and for my marriage and family this year. There are certainly a few ‘high priority’ things on my ‘to do list’ for 2010 – some of them being adapting a healthy lifestyle of nutrition and exercise (starting with completing a 90 day program with my sister!), saving some money for some upcoming trips to visit our family in Creston, learning how to care for my rose, organizing my house, completing some more courses for my nursing specialty, and of course spending more time with friends, growing with them toward the heart of God… And for my marriage, it is my goal this year to find ways that make my husband feel respected and appreciated and adored… ways to help him to succeed in his life and his calling as a man and a husband. I would love to really become a runner this year… so, one step at a time, one day at a time lived moment by moment with a glimpse of the prize leading me on… I will bring my body into submission lest by any means after I have preached, I myself might be disqualified (1 Cor 9:27)

todays battle

These walls are high, these walls are strong
I've been locked in this castle that I've built for far too long
You have surrounded me, a sea on every side
These cracks are forming and I've got nowhere to hide

Now I see, these walls I've built are falling
And Your waves of grace are washing over me

My heart's been hard, I have been blind
I have often worked so hard to keep You from my mind
I have ruled my life, a palace built on sand
But I want You to reign, Lord take me by the hand

Lord please reign in every part
I give my life to You, I open up my heart
I want to be like You, I want to seek Your face
Oh Lord, please wash me in Your awesome waves of grace

a warring bride...

I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. 2 Corinthians 11:2

“The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is his name” (Ex. 15:3).

The Lord, my warrior, my husband fought for me... he fought through the turmoils of this world and has gone to eternity and back to fight for me...

Sometimes I ask myself why? why would the God of heaven and earth fight for me, really... I am not the 'greatest' at anything and I spend more time flat on my buttocks than I do standing... I ask myself why?

And then, the love that surpasses understanding envelopes my heart and calms the storms of my heart and I know why... its about a love affair that my mind cannot comprehend, it is about taking the least of these (me) and bringing me into my destiny... a warring bride of Christ... it seems impossible to me - but what seems impossible to man is more than possible for the master creator!

I will buckle my boots, put on the gown he has given me, pick up my sword - and add my tiara... I will fight the battles set before me... even though they seem so numerous... I know I will prevail if I just set my heart in Papa's gentle hands... I am already victorious - its time to remind someone of that!

(for all who read... this princess could use some prayers these days... smiles-thanks)

The Secret Set within Our Hearts

It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them. (George Eliot)

And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. (U2)

There is a secret set within each of our hearts. It often goes unnoticed, we rarely can put words to it, and yet it guides us throughout the days of our lives. This secret remains hidden for the most part in our deepest selves. It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be.
Isn’t there a life you have been searching for all your days? You may not always be aware of your search, and there are times when you seem to have abandoned looking altogether.
But again and again it returns to us, this yearning that cries out for the life we prize. It is elusive, to be sure. It seems to come and go at will. Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existence.

(The Journey of Desire, 1–2)

A love affair of the heart...

For above all else, the Christian life is a love affair of the heart. It cannot be lived primarily as a set of principles or ethics. It cannot be managed with steps and programs. It cannot be lived exclusively as a moral code leading to righteousness. In response to a religious expert who asked him what he must do to obtain real life, Jesus asked a question in return:
“What is written in the Law? . . . How do you read it?” He answered: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.” (Luke 10:26–28, emphasis added)
The truth of the gospel is intended to free us to love God and others with our whole heart. When we ignore this heart aspect of our faith and try to live out our religion solely as correct doctrine or ethics, our passion is crippled, or perverted, and the divorce of our soul from the heart purposes of God toward us is deepened.
(The Sacred Romance, 8)

Spirit's Kiss...

Oh we touch, spirit to spirit we entwine and we are lost in the air

Heaven and Earth draw close to see what's this, spirit's kiss

Oh we love, spirit to spirit we entwine and the truth is laid bare

Heaven and Earth weren't made to see all this, spirit's bliss

You sent the stars to shine in the night sky

and I know that I'm a twinkle in your eye

you make the laughter run like water

I'll be the one to make you smile, make you smile

I wanna make you smile, I'll make you smile

Oh we touch, spirit to spirit we entwine and we are lost in the air

Heaven and Earth draw close to see what's this; spirits kiss

Oh we love, spirit to spirit we entwine and the truth is laid bare

Heaven and Earth weren't made to see all this; Spirit's bliss

**it's a love song like no other... a song that echoes the cry of my heart... my love for God grows deep like the ocean, farther than the sky - I will seek him and reach for him, He is my desire every day - to pour out my love... to see him smile...

It is in the small things that make my heart delight in his love for me... a friend wanting to give me a manicure, a colleague smiling when they see me, a patient complimenting my beauty... all things that I know are purely because of who it is inside of me; because of who I am a reflection of... may that beauty grow deeper and be a more accurate description of my master designer... his handiwork is wonderful - how well I know it!!

Deeply in love

In my life, you've heard me say I love you, how do I show you its true, hear my heart it longs for more of you, I've fallen deeply in love with you.
You have stolen my heart, I am captivated by you, never will you and I part, I've fallen deeply in love with you.
You and I together forever, nothing can stand in the way, my love for you grows stronger each new day, I've fallen deeply in love with you.
You have stolen my heart, I am captivated by you, never will you and I part, I've fallen deeply in love with you.
Deeply in love, deeply in love with you...

The crystal above has taken its shape within the environment of love. There is a man who would create the frozen crystals with various words written on the outside of the container, some positive and some negative. The positive ones such as love, peace, grace etc take on a beauty incomparable whereas the ones with negative words such as hate, anger, etc look cracked and broken... this leads me to think more about the words that we surround ourselves with - the environment that we place ourselves in.
Is my life one that reflects the love that I feel deep in my heart? I sometimes wonder about that - actually I often wonder about that. I continually say that I want my life to reflect and exude love - but do I truly make the efforts in my day to day life to show that love? probably not like I should... not like my mentor does - and that is the standard that I ascribe to.
So day by day, as I grow and walk this journey, choreographing my daily dance - I must be sure to take the time to reflect, to humble myself, to grow, to love.
I want my legacy to be one of love and compassion... I want my life to say that I was deeply in love - for all to see...
Each day is fresh and new, with a realm of possibilities... What will I choose? Am I living a life of love today?

Never loved you more...

Well you could take a cup, fill it up and just keep on filling until it all comes spilling down the sides, thats what you do in my life.

Or you could watch the sky at sunrise and see the clouds turn shades I never knew, and make me want to cry, thats what you do in my life...

Never mind moderation, you exceed my expectation...

I have never loved you more cuz you have never loved me less than the day before or the day before I have never loved you more...

Have you ever tried to count the stars, way up past mars, it would blow your mind don't even try to think about infinity, thats how you love me

Much more than I can contain, a balloon once tethered to the ground could not stick around to stay... free to fly away

Never mind moderation, you exceed my expectation...

I have never loved you more... cuz you have never loved me less than the day before, or the day before... I have never loved you more... I have never dared to dream, beyond what I have already seen the day before, and the day before... I have never loved you more...exceedingly... abundantly more....

I have never loved you more, cuz you have never loved me less, than the day before or the day before... I have never loved you more... I have never dared to dream, beyond what I have already seen, the day before and the day before... I have never loved you more... never loved you more...

The pursuit of the lover of my soul is something that most cannot comprehend... it is something that can only be felt deep in the soul... it is experienced with each new sunrise, each raindrop, a babies first cry, laughter that rings into the silence... all exclaim that there is a creator passionate about life, passionate about people... passionate about me.

Sometimes I don't know how to explain the love of God to people... but it is somethat that has to be experienced... and is so easy to experience, if we just open the eyes of our heart to see the love that surrounds us, envelopes us in so many ways... Today I say... I have never loved you more - because YOU have never loved me less...

"I am my beloved's and he is mine" ~Song of Solomon 2:16

wine

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up
a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it
into the Jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once
more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under
the table and poured the entire contents into the jar,
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want
you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health,
your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

>>>

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner
out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that
no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple
of glasses of wine with a friend."

This story really calls me to wake up to what life is and to the reality that priorities need to be set in place. It is so easy to get caught up with the 'sand' in life - so much so until there is no time and no room for the important golf balls and rocks.
Stories like this always seem to come at the right time for me... just as I am filling my world with too much sand... I hear the call to 'be still and know'

I have found that I have allowed my life to get so busy at times that I have neglected relationships, family time, and time with the lover of my soul. People are what is going to last. Nobody is going to remember what I did on any given day... but people will remember who I was each day... am I loving, caring, compassionate, full of mercy and grace... have I laid down my life for another today? How did I show people that they were important, How did I affect the world? Am I becoming who I need to be?

direction...

This seems to be the expression of my thoughts today... I am not my own... I have been bought with a price... So often I try to act like I have life all figured out and am following the great dream... and really, I have to say that although there are thoughts and plans that I may have, I truly have no idea what tomorrow will hold in my future... and as beautiful as my dance may look at times... I have no idea what I am doing!

I sometimes just wish that I could know how my life will turn out - I suppose that would defeat the purpose of the adventure... but sometimes I just wish I could know... but I am not the potter... I am the clay and I submit to the transforming of my life into a great masterpiece... It's a daily process... a little work here and there... they key word being 'process' - sometimes I like to just jump to the finish line and forget about the journey that takes me there... that is something I need to learn - to slow down and embrace the journey that takes me to my final destination... I think 'BC' is going to teach me that...

I am in a little bit of a 'blah' mood today... not really sure why... a little bored I suppose... its not a bad thing persay... I have had some great times with Papa... dreaming about things and ministry and hopes for the future... all is trusted to him...

This is my prayer for today:

Lord, when I hear your call, deep within my spirit cries - yes I will follow... You are the shepherd of my heart - I will trust you and I go wherever you lead me... safe in your arms I will be alright... how I love you... lead me...

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want... he leads me...Psalm 23

New Year thoughts and reflections...

... the new year is here! I love this time of year simply because everything seems to be fresh and new... it is a time of renewed vision, fresh dreams, and hopes to be fulfilled!

This year has a different feel for me... certainly it holds excitement and anticipation, there are a great deal of things that this year holds that will be first time experiences for me... I am moving out of province, completing my bachelor degree, going to Greece, celebrating weddings, and entering the world as an adult in the workforce... wow... is this the year I grow up?! I hope not!

I have grown tremendously over this past year... it seems that I have finally grasped some concepts that I have been trying to understand for so very long. Whether I fully understand them or not.. they are growing into fruition inside of me... I know that the work that has been started in me will be brought to completion... I am learning to revel in the arms of my first love, my true love. I am learning to discover truth and to seek it out... I am learning what it means to fly on the wings of eagles!
I have been and still am taking the time to declare who I am... who do I want to be... what are my dreams... what do I want in life... where do I want to go.. what do I want said about me when my life has been lived and I go home to Jesus...?
These are just some of the questions that I have been asking myself in the past few weeks... and although I don't have all the answers quite yet, I am ok with that because I know that discovering these answers and recognizing them to be truth is all a part of the journey that God has for me... for me... just as I am...
One of the greatest gifts that God has given is creativity... a beautiful reflection of himself... I have the ability to create my minutes, days and years... what they will look like will be a reflection of what decisions I will make... I have fallen short for so long, neglecting God's creation (me) and expecting him to treat me as if I were a puppet... that is not so... God has given me a mind, a beautiful mind, and a will to make decisions as I choose to... wow...
God has given me a future... what will I do with that future... what will my dance look like? Such a precious gift that has too often been taken advantage of... but now I know... all emotion set aside, I cannot deny God, I cannot deny who he is and what he has done for me... to base my life on emotion will not get me anywhere... it is time for truth... and it is my goal this year to discover truth in all areas... and to make truth the central part of all my conversation, with myself, with God and with others... it is time to expose the darkness with the light that only truth can bring... for that is when true healing comes... that is when a destiny is fulfilled...

We are created as a reflection of our Maker... a reflection of God - consider that for even just a second and I am sure that you will be overwhelmed at the depth of what that means...

I am reminded that in the year ahead Papa wants me to embrace the gift of 'me' that he created... just a few weeks ago I was out walking with God and was discussing with him how incredible the mountains were... (I LOVE the mountains) He said to me.. "Carin, you are always so amazed and in awe/wonder over the mountains... I am glad that you like them - I made them for you... but see those mountains, how magnificent they are... now look at your thumb." I was a little confused and so I asked him to explain... wow - He told me how I always make such a big deal about the beauty and incredulousness of the mountains when in reality they are nothing in comparison to the creation of me... all mountains are the same (composed of rock, metal etc) and its materials can be duplicated... I on the other hand cannot... the mountains only required a thought to create... I hold his breath... when he looks at me - it is with awe/wonder.... wow, how much do I fall short of deserving that kind of love! Nevertheless... I have HIS righteousness (right-standing)

Now... here's a word for the next year that Papa has given me... :)

"I stand between the years. The Light of My presence is flung across the year to come - the radiance of the Sun of Righteousness... Backward, over the past year, is My shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.
Dwell not on the past - only on the present. Only use the past as the trees use My sunlight to absorb it, to make from it in after days the warming fire-rays. So store only the blessings from ME, the Light of the World. Encourage yourself by the thoughts of these.
Bury every fear of the future, of poverty for those dear to you, of suffering, of loss. Bury all thought of unkindness and bitterness, all your dislikes, your resentments, your sense of failure, your disappointment in others and in yourself, your goom, your despondancy, and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward to a new and risen life.
Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in My Hands - in trust for you. But I sahll guide you one day at a time.
Leave the rest with Me. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.
And for each day I shall supply the wisdom and the strength."

ok wow... Papa - I love you and in the year ahead I trust you and leave it to you to direct my paths.... free falling!

til I am only...

With every breath, with every thought

from what is seen, to the deepest part

I offer all, that I've come to be

to know your love

Father, in me

Father, You're all I need

my soul sufficiency

My strength when I am weak

the love that carries me

Your arms enfold me

Til I am only

a child of God

With every step, on this journeys walk

And wisdom songs that the soul has sought

I give myself, unreservedly

to know your love

Father in me

Father, you're all I need

My soul sufficiency

My strength when I am weak

The love that carries me

Your arms enfold me

til I am only

a child of God

Your arms enfold me... til I am only a child of God

ONEness

To preface this blog... you have to know the absolute delight I am feeling in discovering the following! Ask and you WILL receive! giggles...

ok... about a week ago I got woke up and felt like God was trying to say something to me... something he was trying to show me.... all I got was two verses... talking about two very different things - Jn 17:22 (Jesus and the Father are ONE) and Gen 2:24 (two become ONE)... oh the delight of discovering connections! I was remiss in sitting down to search it out... but it has continuously been mulling in my head... what could he mean by this... I wonder.... SO today I finally sat still and said - ok... show me - ta da... he sure did! His love for me is such a delight...

The Nature of God as "One"
The Apostle John wrote in one his letters that "God is love." This statement sounds simple but is packed with implications. First, since God is love from all eternity (without any creation) and by Himself then it must be understood with respect to God Himself. But love only has a meaning when it involves a relationship between persons. This implies that the One God - if He is love in and of Himself - must exist as a relationship. Let's explore this concept of God being "One" a little bit further.
The relationships God has established between people (e.g., marriage partners, parent/child, king/subject, etc) are pictures of the relationship within God and between God and man. Each image presents a different facet of that relationship. Each is necessary to grasp the reality.
Consider what Jesus said about His relationship to the Father. Jesus said that He and the Father were one (see John 17:22). Jesus calls us to be one with Him, as He is one with the Father. Further, when God created man and woman He desired that they be united as "one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). This could not simply be a reference to the bearing of children, which are in a sense, a one flesh result of their union. It must refer to the marriage itself, for certainly they were "one flesh" before they bore any children. This concept of "one" then does not then refer to a uniform or homogeneous state of being; men and women are very different (despite what some feminists would have you believe). The "members of the body of Christ" are also very different. Individuals who are united in marriage do not lose their individual traits, such as their own thoughts, emotions, etc. And a married couple does not have the same blood type after they were married if their blood types were different before they were married. If the members of the body of Christ were to become a "uniform and homogeneous" being then we each would lose our identity as "self" and what would emerge would be something akin to an eastern religious "cosmic consciousness." The "oneness" must refer not to a homogeneous singularity. The oneness of the marriage and the body of Christ are reflective of the nature of God Himself.
What exactly does "oneness" then mean? The Hebrew word used for God as one is echad. Echad can mean one as in "one goat," "one day," "one stone," etc. However, it can also refer to a plural unity such as in a composite whole. For example, in Numbers 13:23 echad refers to a cluster of grapes. And in Gen 11:6 those who built the tower of Babel are referred to as "one people." When we refer to a person we know that the "one" person consists of several distinct components (emotions, thoughts, hands, heart, liver, etc.). Yet we all understand all of these parts constitute "one person." Echad is the word to describe the "one flesh" nature of marriage (Gen. 2:24). Since God is referred to as echad in the same way as man and woman are referred to as echad this heavily implies that the oneness of marriage reflects the oneness of God. The individuals do not become a homogeneous consciousness or a physical singularity of any sort. We are dealing on a spiritual level of oneness, which is reflective of God's nature. The "oneness" we observe in marriage and the other examples are shadows of the reality of the oneness within God.
Now the true nature of God's oneness we can only describe by how it appears to us from what Jesus said and did. The best words we have to describe the members of the trinity seem to be as "persons."

God determines....

"God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go." - annonymous

I always find people so interesting. Everyone comes with different stories, different backgrounds, different strengths and different weaknesses. Where we come from has molded us and shaped us into who we are today.

I am learning (slowly as it may be...) that I can only be responsible for me, for who I am, for what I have to offer, and for the actions that I make... Who am I to determine how somebody else should respond in a certain situation or environment... I am not God, but I am responsible to him, responsible to him for MY actions, for MY words, MY thoughts... I am responsible to be all that he created me to be.

Sometimes this is a hard lesson for me to grasp - and one that I am seemingly always learning over and over again... I sometimes wish that I could 'help' people to come to the same conclusions that I come to - or 'help' them to be what I think would be best... how completely and utterly awful of me! Truly no good is in me! As if I would try to deny someone to be all that they are called to be - simply because that does not fit into what I think is best... I am not omnicient - all-knowing God... ugh - humbled again...

Papa, search my heart and know my thoughts... make me whole and pleasing in your sight - you are the one that matters and you are the one that I will never let go of! If I get a choice - I choose you! Good times come, hard times come... but always you are there... always you are behind me, protecting me... in front of me, guiding me... and always beside me holding my hand through it all....
I sometimes wonder sweet Jesus, how I will ever find a love even half as precious as yours... is it possible? sigh... I am content in your arms, you feed the deep recesses of my heart, you fill the longings of my heart... you speak to the romance that is sacred... I am yours and you are mine... some may not understand, and many will mock the love that we share... but that does not negate the fact that it is true.... YOU sweet Jesus, I refuse to let go of...

I love the way you love me...

Its incredible to me his love... this song brought tears to my eyes as I had to sit in the car while he sang it to me... wow... just wow...

Once in a Lifetime...
I can see it in your eyes,
And feel it your touch.
I know that you're scared,
But you've never been this loved.

It's a long shot baby,
Yeah I know it's true.
But if anyone can make it,
I'm betting on me and you.
Just keep on moving into me.
I know you're gonna see,
The best is yet to come.

CHORUS:
Don't fear it now we're going all the way.
That sun is shining on a brand new day.
It's a long way down and it's a leap of faith,
But I'm never giving up, Because I know we got a once in a lifetime love.

Everybody's looking for what we found.
Some wait their whole life,
And it never comes around
So don't hold back now just let go,
On all you've ever known.
You can put you're hand in mine.

CHORUS Don't fear it now we're going all the way.
That sun is shining on a brand new day.
It's a long way down and it's a leap of faith,
But I'm never giving up, Because I know we got a once in a lifetime love.

I close my eyes and I see you standing right there.
Saying do and they throwing the rice in our hair.
Well the first one's born and a brother comes along and he's got your smile.
I been looking back on the life we had still by your side.

CHORUS
Don't fear it now we're going all the way.
That sun is shining on a brand new day.
It's a long way down and it's a leap of faith,
But I'm never giving up, Because I know we got a once in a lifetime love.

my little girl...

My Papa loves me! (this is one of our songs... enjoy!)

Verse 1:
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go. Gonna tell you how much I love you, though you think you already know. I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm. You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

Chorus: Your beautiful baby from the outside in. Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world. But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

Verse 2: When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone. Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown. Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You!" in the moonlight at your door. As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More!".

(Repeat Chorus)

Verse 3: Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand. But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half that makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man. I know he'll say that he's in love. But between you and me. He won't be good enough!

(Repeat Chorus)

God reads the petitions of the Heart

I am usually pretty good at taking pills... but this vitamin was on a mission! It tried to choke me! ack! (I am ok now - conquored the vitamin!)

The question of the day:
Does God acknowledge the petition of my heart whether it is spoken or unspoken?

The answer to that question is answered in 2Kings 4... There is a nameless woman in the Old Testament that is only known as "a notable woman" (2 Kings 4:8). Thoughts of personal desire did not distract this woman; rather, she wa a woman of deep spiritual contentment. She also possessed the gift of hospitality. Her thoughts were on the prophet Elisha and his need for a comfortable place to rest as he frequently traveled by on the road near her house. With her husband's permission she built a special guest room onto their house just for Elisha. The prophet was so grateful that he wanted to repay the woman's kindness. He offered to present her to the king, but she wasn't interested in social status. It was tclear that the Sunammite woman was perfectly content with caring for her husband and servign the prophet.
But Elisha was determined to repay her kindness and hospitality. He consulted with his servant Gehazi: "'What then is to be done for her' And Gehazi answered, 'Actually, she has no son, and her husband is old'" (2 Kings 4:14).
This woman bore the mark of barrenness. She endured social disgrace in her community. But she never complained or attempted to use her relationship withthe prophet Elisha to help her fulfill the void in her life. Instead of focusing on what she needed from God, she focused on how to faithfully serve the Lord. Throu Elisha, the Lord answered this woman's secret petition. One year after she added a new room onto her house fo the prophet, she joyfully made room for her new son.
What lesson can I learn from the 'notable woman'? No matter how desperate my need, I can't allow delays or the passage of time to make me think that God does not acknowledge the desires of my heart. It is when life seems barren and unfulfilling that God teaches me to let go of feelings that create stress and anxiety. Finally, I need to learn to rest in him: "rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him" (Psalm 37:7)
Delays, confusion, and rejection are exercise equipment that God uses to build my faith. "And not ony that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverence; and perseverance, character; and character, hope" (Romans 5:3-4).

Papa you know what my future holds... you are the beginning and the end... you saw my yesterdays, you see my today, and you hold all of my tomorrows... help me to be like the notable woman whose 'work' in life was building your kingdom... sometimes I tend to think that building your kingdom means being a preacher or a missionary or something grandioso... but I want to be like the notable woman... who built your kingdom where she was, with what you gave her... sometimes all it takes is just letting people know they are loved... afterall, isn't that what you do for me? sigh... I never get tired thinking about how much you love me... and find it amazing that you don't either... I sure can be a pest... smiles - let's just sit a while...

on the inside

Don't read unless you enjoy eavesdropping! *wink (lots of it won't make sense - but I've got to ramble)

Papa you know my heart... and it looks like I have it all together right now - and really I can't see where I don't... but on the inside - I am feeling kind of a mess... not really sure why... Pause

Maybe its my upcoming move... I know that this is your leading, but while I feel the excitement of the adventure, my heart aches for what I am leaving behind... *tears
Its hard to move away from the familiar, from people that I love - from people that I KNOW love me... to a place that is small, secluded, and where I have no deep relationships... There are people that I know and love dearly... most of my family is there and that gives me some hope - and I am sure there are more who love me also - I don't mean it like that Papa... but you know what I mean... the deep connection - at least I will have you... no matter what happens, where I go... I will have you - and I am learning that you are more than enough for me...

It all seems so much bigger than who I am... I feel so helpless sometimes... and then deep inside of me I wonder... will I get lost and forgotten in the place that nobody has heard of called Terrace? But then no, destiny cries out in me...

5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."
7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
(Jeremiah 1:5-10)

I want to be and do all that you have called me to... but while I feel all of this, I still ache for all that I leave behind... and thats ok, I am mourning the 'death' of my past... Papa, I trust you and I know that you have plans for my life (I may not have a sweet clue how they will take shape) and I know that you will fulfill them... afterall, everything else you have promised you have always come through on for me...

Now that I have just verbally spewed words... and tears... I am tempted to just delete this but I want to be honest always... and really it would just be my pride that wouldn't want to share my hurt... to want to appear like I have it all together... I don't! And I want to be humble always...

So with this new beta blog - you have post options... and labels that you can put on them... any ones that are my 'times with Papa' I am labelling "My sacred romance" and in honour of the delicacy and intimacy of those times - I am going to choose to not have comments... if you choose to read my journals - you are more than welcome - just please remember that I am human and these times are 'sacred' to me

Valleys...

Much grows in the valleys...

Psalm 23 - going through valleys...

If you knew what the valleys would look like ahead of time... would you still answer the call... hmm probably not! For this reason I am so thankful that God doesn't tell me ahead of time what my valleys will be... cuz if he did I may not have answered the call!

The same God who has brought me through the very worst times in our life will take us through this time now... we just have to trust like David did...

I find that oftentimes I want to move out of the valleys as fast as I can - to avoid the pain that sometimes accompanies the walk from the valley to the peak... but I am beginning to recognize that pain is a good thing! Pain tells us that growth is happening... remember when you were a kid and you would get pains in your legs... growing pains... life was happening... and it was good, you were maturing...
It is the same with the spirit... when we feel pains we are growing... being made whole... the length of the process depends on the depths of the issues or the stubborness of the person ;)

It would be nice to think of living on the mountain top always... but there is soo much in the valleys that makes life the incredible journey that it is! The lavishness of life is found in the valley... the trials and tribulations... the pain and the sorrow - they all indicate to us that we are alive! That we still have purpose - that we are changing - being changed..

And we learn so much in the valleys... we learn how to go through the next one... we learn how to live on the the mountaintops while we are there... we build character...

Not really sure where I am going with this... smiles... guess I just really needed to remind myself to embrace the valley's of life along with the peaks... I am having a bit of a rough time right now...grieving an unhealthy friendship - learning to surrender it to God... to let him carry it for me - his shoulders are built for that... and he does a better job of it too!