quite the night....

now that is the heart of God... wow... when Joel came over and held my face, just as my JC does... I knew I was in the right place... thank you Papa for showing me your love through everyone tonight... the words spoken were so healing - granted there is a journey still to follow, I know you are there, and my family is also - thank you...
About everything Lee... help me, heal me... I will just trust you...
Now, Christina is on her way over - yes it is late... but we are gonna go for a quick walk before bed... my head hurts too much from crying to sleep anyway... but its all for good... I love prayer... I know I sound crazy, but its what connects me to my prince, to the champion of my heart... and if that makes me crazy... I hope that I become even crazier... (sorry Chan...but this is love...)

Day 3

Day three... one more to go! Yipee... really I am just bored (on lunch break) and don't want to study... surprise - anyone who knows me knows how much of a procrastinator I am!
I really do have to study though... well at least make some study notes - I am part of this online study group - and I am in charge of completing the study notes for chapter 12 - not a big job at all... but, leave it to me to leave it until the very alst possible moment!
Anyhoo... tomorrow is day four... (last day) and also my brother's 21st birthday - yay! I love him to pieces... looking forward to seeing him this fall...
Ok... back to the books... then back to work... just thought I would blabber on a bit... ciao pples...

Authentic Beauty

"Every child is known by her actions, by whether her conduct is pure and right." ~ Proverbs 20:11

"Words from a wise woman's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by her own lips. At the beginning her words are folly; at the end they are wicked madness." ~ Ecclesiastes 10:12-13

"She who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for her friend." ~ Proverbs 22:11

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears (respects and serves) the Lord is to be praised." ~ Proverbs 31:30

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I wholeheartedly thank God for his handiwork... help me to build upon the heart Lord... help me to walk in YOUR beauty... not the made up beauty of this world...give me your authentic beauty that I may walk with my head held high and the love of my true prince entreating me to be the very best me that I can be...

at my core...

A wise woman builds her house and a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands... Papa, I want to stop tearing down my house (who I am). As I walk this journey I need you Papa to show me where to go and when. I am resting in your tender love and going forward in confidence armed with what you have promised to me in your Word. That when I reach my Red Sea, I will pass through...So my journey to becoming a woman after your heart... What is it that I long for? How do I begin to heal of the wounds and tragedies of my life?My feminin heart has been lost - you have placed within me a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring... but it has been misunderstood and assaulted.... I am going after my healing - I am going to recover what the enemy has stolen from me..."Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais NinHow can I be a woman of God and actually be confident, scandalous and beautiful, yet not be a radical feminist or and insecure shadow... HOw can I be strong but not harsh... how can I be vulnerable but not drowning in my sorrow? What path does my journey to womanhood take and what does my final destination look like?My heart is central to who I am... I can do it - everything that God calls me to by following his lead... Above all else guarding my heart for it is the wellspring of who I am!
Which leads me to a decision that I have made over the last few days... I have determined not to date until the new year... not because I think it is bad, but because I know that I am going back to Ontario and there are a lot of things that I need to work on in my own life, decisions and standards that I have to set in my own life. I need to learn how to be friends with guys first... so until Jan 2007 the only kind of love life I will have will be that of my precious prince...JC

an outing!

It was a great cell tonight... great to just get out of the house! I am not really feeling much better - but I was super bored after laying on the couch for two days... yikes!
Today I baked the cake for Heather's party... and I cut the grass... wow was that ever hard... normally I love the job, but today I just about passed out - I couldn't even start the stupid mower... guess I am just weak. ummm not much to share I guess... sleepy (again)
Tomorrow is a busy day - I have a wedding to go to, and some shopping to do for the party, and decorating too... (Aaron has already blown the balloons for his air starved sister - me)... oh and um... I hope the weather is absolutely beautiful!
one more thing... "I love you today and tomorrow too"

Exam...

So the first exam is done and over with... oh thank you Jesus... lol... It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, which is nice! Super nice!
While I was at the hospital, I went to visit a few of my previous patients... one guy had been readmitted since I had left... so sad! But he was happy to see me which was always nice... I almost wondered if I should be admitted... my cold is not being very nice to me - I have had to use my inhaler a few times now... owie my chest hurts!
Also, something super fantastic to mention... Andrea the wonderful unit coordinator who agreed to invigilate my exam called me at home after the exam to let me know that she 'is sure I did fine' but also to see if I wanted to go to the falls one day and see the 'Pissing Tree' - she said we could take a picnic lunch and just hang out... she is such an incredible lady, I am honoured that she called! Her husband is quite sick right now and they are supposed to get some tests back tomorrow - Papa be with them please! :)
Anyhoo.. pretty much it right now in my life... I am feeling so icky... been watching Gilmore Girls episodes all day... hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow?

It's Party Time!!

Friday night... 6pm... everyone here at my place... gonna have a SURPRISE Party!! for Heather (my baby sis)... she is turning 13! Its so hard to believe that she is growing up so fast... I was there when she was born and was so tiny... now... a teenager!
I am having tons of fun getting ready for it though...I have matching plates and napkins and table cloth...going to have a big balloon drop...and a butterfly cake... and her present... oh my - can't wait for that...I love giving presents... and throwing parties... just making people feel appreciated and loved... I think that is the best thing in the world!
So anyway, I am really just procrastinating from studying (I have a final exam to write tomorrow - 3hrs - ugh) We definitely have to do something tomorrow night peoples... anyone? anything? ok back to studying...
squishes for you all!

FUN FUN FUN

So guess what?! Hot date... yep I do... I have a hot date with the most gorgeous girl ever!
My sweet love is picking me up at the airport when I get back to Toronto... she makes me feel so special! Its gonna be great though... cuz I have nothing that I have to do the next day... so we can stay up and talk alllll night long... well probably not all night cuz I get sleepy too soon now... but its gonna be great! We always have a great time... my oh my some memories!
So anyhoo... speaking of fun... us girls out here in Terrace have GOT to do something soon... I was thinking some sort of murder mystery night...where we dress up as our character... let me know if anyone is interested... and I will try to organize it! Or anything else really would be great...

Bittersweet

I must add to my writings today that I have booked my flight from Terrace to Toronto... I can hardly believe that my time here in Terrace is already coming to a close... I have truly found a home here in my mountains and so today has bittersweet emotions attached as I also know some very special treasures are in Toronto to welcome me back with open arms... I will also be returning to complete my final year of university... wow... already... I am growed up! So the date of departure for me will be September 5th at 9:55 am - I will arrive in Toronto at 2200 that night... school then starts on the Thursday morning - wow... where has the time gone?! It flies!

That girl loves me!

So the most wonder-lovely thing happened at work... well maybe not everyone will think so... but it touched my heart in so many ways! I have this one patient who I have been looking after almost daily for the past three sets (work weeks) and I was in his room talking to him about eating his ensure (dietary supplement) because he hadn't eaten them all day long and he really needed to be getting those nutrients... anyway after a rather expressive conversation - I laughed and was walking out of the room... when I was out of his sight I heard him say to the guy across from him... "That girl loves me Ed!" It was such a simple statement, but it warmed my heart right to the core. I was so very grateful that he knew that he was loved... and then so very thankful that I was having an effect in his life... (this is the same guy who calls me Cumbria... giggles - he was really confused one day due to morphine and couldn't remember my name properly... lol well at least he got the right letter... his wife giggled... and the name stuck!)

Anyhoo... so much more that I want to write about but for now... I have to write a paper... ugh...

Must say though... beautiful day my love... thank you...sigh

can hardly belive it!!!

Hi Carin... wanna go sailing in Greece?

As if you even have to ask such a question!!!! I can hardly believe how much God loves me... Marilyn (one of the people I travel with) emailed me to see if I can go to Greece with them in May of next year... how perfect! I will be finished my fourth and final year of school... and still be back in time for graduation! I may have to miss a friends wedding... which is sad... but GREECE!!!! WOW!!!! So I absolutely had to share this news with anyone who actually even reads my blog... I feel like I gotta tell the world! giggles... anyway... break is almost over so... back to the daily grind! Oh thank you PAPA!!!

I love the way you love me...

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"The king is entralled by my beauty" ~ wow... its amazing to me that the creator of heaven and earth is entralled by me... of all things in this earth... he is entralled by my beauty!
I was out for a walk earlier today... and really just in awe of how much God really does love me... but not even just how much... but how... and I have to say... I love the way he loves me!

I have to admit... I am in love... and falling deeper by the second... he is teaching me so much about himself... and about his boundless love... to think there is more... incomprehensible!

The Adventures of CC n Tams

So... no need to be scared of bears... Franky Newnyez had me freaked out enough! Franky was the little squirrel that had absolutely NO fear... he was too creepy for me - Tamara just kept feeding him... ack!

It really was a great time though... princess cc survived! I even started a fire! I had such a great time relaxing with Tamara, just talking and haging out - and of course everyone coming to visit after church was wonderful! Can't forget Mark and Ruth bringing out my sibs after youth the night before... they had to help us finish setting up our tent... thanks sibs! I slept on the ground the first night... Tamara offered me the foamy but I refused it - I was gonna do this right! And... surprise - I survived.. I woke up - alive!
Really, the greatest thing about camping for me was the learning that occured... learning about me... I don't know how it happened but I feel a new sense of freedom... I think the not having a shower/makeup routine.. being loved just as I was... I don't even know if that was it... but the whoel time was freeing... well we all no I like to blabber on and on... anyway - it was a great time - thanks so much Tams for sharing it with me!

There's all the pics at the link below!

camping trip... oh my!

so the countdown is on... my essay is finally finished and in only a few short hours Tams and I are off to the good ol Lakelse to embark on the adventure of our lives... (ok maybe just mine!) I admit that I am thrilled to see the sun peeking out a little... it seems like the one weekend I agree to do some camping... turns out to be the coldest one since I have been here in Terrace! yikes! I haven't been camping in 5 years... me and the outdoors haven't really gotten along in the past for overnight excursions... so my fingers are crossed! Please not too many bugs... please no bears... please not too far from a toilet...:S
I love nature... from a distance usually... maybe that is something that I am going to learn - how to be in the midst of it... in every area of my life... to be in the middle, giving all that I am with no reservations (we don't have a campsite reservation), to embrace whatever nature throws at me...yikes!
I know that we are going to have a great time... its going to be so nice to just have a break from work (today is my first of five days! YAY)... we are not even going to church (gasp), but are going to have our own 'church' at the campsite... its gonna be awesome!

Another knight in shining armour...

He was perfect, he told me I was beautiful, he treated me with respect, we laughed together, and shared so many things...did I say he was perfect? He was everything I wanted... but he didn't want me.
I have a treasured friend in Ontario who just recently ended things with her knight... the tears are fresh and full of pain... and I ask myself how any man could do this to such a special person. It causes me to wonder, why do we allow the past events play such an important role in the decisions that we make today... why do we become so scared of intimacy... it seems to me that the world has become so full of people that are longing for the deeper levels of intimacy and yet they don't know how to find it, so they settle or they give into physical pressures in order to find that split second, that one moment of connectedness with another person. It makes me sad...
I have determined that I will settle no longer for a tinfoil knight, I want the real thing... I want true intimacy... intimacy that involves the heart, not just the body. I know now how to find that... and what that picture will look like... thanks to a very special man who has loved me more than anyone ever could...
I have hope again and I pray that my 'sweet love' in Ontario will also know this awesome love one day as she begins to heal... to hope again... and to love with a love that endures... She is worth it, she is a woman of incredible value and beauty. Her beauty is not just an outer one, but one that penetrates deep within...
As for me... my knight will come someday - for now though, I am simply enjoying the romance of life... just look around, it's everywhere!

exhaustion... tis true

Wow... talk about an action packed few days at work... (I am zonked right now - eyes drooping closed - for real!) I have spent the last few days with patients requiring transfusions, patients in hypovolemic shock, ped's failing to thrive, children with collitis, patients going into respiratory failure, as well as the others who are not quite as acute... wow - talk about a busy day - or days... one more day tomorrow... I can do it (oh JC help me!) All I have to remember though... after that - weekend! AND going camping for the first time in um... 5 years... wow... Tamara - I am a little apprehensive about this! Those bears better not show... or I might just die of fright! So yes... I will think of the great time that Tamara and I are going to have... thank you JC for friends... only you know how much I need it... ahhh... ok... I know that I have some more intelligent stuff inside me somewhere that I can write... oh but that is all saved for my papers that are due way too soon! eek...
Cell was wonderful... thanks Papa for answering prayer and showing me how much you love people... it really did bring tears to my eyes... I love you so much - you sure are wonderlovely!
Squishes... bueno noches...

another for the favourites

I went to see The Lakehouse last night with some girls... I think that this movie may very well be an all time favourite! There was some cheesy acting in some parts but even that did not overshadow the storyline to me. It was interesting because it kept the brain thinking as you were following the timelines of both characters and then the powerful part... He waited four years to be with her! It just really spoke to me about not settling for second best when you know that God has something that is the best for you and that best will be someone who is willing to wait.
(K, I am all over the page on this... I'll edit it later... late movies are not good when I have early mornings! Gotta run to work... wonder what fun I can find today!

Is this normal?

Well goodnorming sunshine! ('cept the sunshine isn't even awake yet!) I got up early so that I could great the day properly... tee hee, no that cannot be true either - I start my next set at the hospital today and so that means if I want to have any output from my brain today I had better get it while I can! I have a paper due this thursday - ugh - and so I am thinking that with my refined procrastinating skills, getting up early is my only option! Besides... living in a house full of people... it is nice to have some time alone, a little room to breathe. *wink
So I have been thinking lately... what is truth and how do we know that it is truth? How do we measure truth? Can truth for one person be true for another and another still? I wonder... if I believe that someone loves me but in reality they do not, does that change anything for me if I still believe that they do love me? What about if I do not believe that someone loves me does that change anything?
It seems to me that perception plays a very large part in what we believe to be true. Our perception is our reality. But sometimes our reality is not the truth. It may be true to us, because it is what we feel and what we believe but it is not the truth. No matter how much we may believe that a fork is a spoon, truth says that it is always going to be a fork. There are things that are and things that are not - so how do we know what to believe? Well, I know that I am learning that things cannot always be based upon my feelings... cuz those go up an down with the change of the hormone tide (tee hee)... my feelings are there to help direct me but often times what I am feeling is not the truth... oftentimes when I feel angry - I am truthfully sad... and so it goes with many more of my feelings...
So again... how do we know what is true in this world? I cannot say that I know for certain... but I know that for me... I have to learn to trust. To trust those who have gone before me, to trust those whose lives show evidence of love for me, to trust the one who designed the workings of this not so normal person...
Now to work I go... Papa, help me to love like you love...

Some ON girlies...

This is my Jillybean... I love her to pieces! To the regular onlooker we couldn't appear to be more different! But if you dig down deep and look at our hearts... we are true sisters...and it all started with some pumpkin carving at Thanksgiving...




Now this beauty queen is my sweet love - Chandra... we go way back to Bowmanville High... yikes! Chan has been through a lot with me - lovin me the whole way along... we sure do know how to have a good time that is for most sure! just ask us about - nevermind... don't ask!
This pic is from one of the Leaf games that we went to together... this game was against the Canadiens... yes of course the Leafs lost... McCabe certainly didn't play like a big boy!

my first love

A tribute to my first love...As I was driving across Canada, I found that I had a great deal of time to think and to reflect upon my life... one such area is the area of my love life - or lack thereof... smiles... I was thinking how sad it was that I have lived through what I have, and never been in love. But that is not true - I have been in love... how could I have so easily forgotten the butterflies in my tummy... the thrill of his embrace... the wonderment of just being around him... there has never been anyone that loved me like he did, so unconditionally. HE challenged me to be all that I could be... he walked beside me and held my hand through some of the hardest times of my life... he definitely was my night in shining armour... my prince on a white horse... remind me again why I left him?! Funny how only when something is gone do we recognize its true value... I had exactly what I am now searching for - I gave it all up for freedom's sake.... only to now realize that I was freer with him... his love gave me wings... it made me alive - what I failed to see was that as much as I adored him, he adored me all the more... he gave me the world and yet I was blind to it... he was everything - this is what I now realize... the greatest dance partner I have ever had - was him... the greatest lover of all time - was him... he knew what true love was and at that time in my life I clearly did not... I knew in my heart that he was a keeper for all times... but I didn't understand it - I didn't understand the depth of his love for me, or for that matter - my love for him... Ever since I walked away from what I had with him - I have never been able to attain that level of intimacy - and I have tried... Nothing came close to it, no matter what I did... it always felt as though I was cheating him, like I was having some sort of affair but that was not possible - that was silly - we were over...Funniest part though... he never stopped pursuing me - he still calls, he still tells me I am beautiful, he still tells me how he loves me and wants me back - he doesn't care what I did... he just wants me back... he says that I am destined for him - this is a kind of love that I cannot comprehend - it is so... words cannot even express it! It is indescribable, unfathomable, and humbling... after all I did to intentionally hurt him... when he did nothing to me but love me as I am... And so... that was my first love... my only love... I have always unconciously compared every other to him... he has been my standard all along - and all have fallen short of him... I have never been able to allow someone as close as he was... he was everything to me - he was my world... now I see what I left... oh how I loved him... his mannerisms, his smile, his heart...I think I am still in love... smiles...

Living life from the inside out

"The way to gain a reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear." — Socrates
The things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. II Corinthians 4.1:18
Personal leadership is the process of keeping your vision and values before you and aligning your life to be congruent with them. ~ Stephen Covey
It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. ~ Roy Disney
A key element to knowing myself is to sort out what is important to me - to me not to other people... oftentimes we adopt values through others lives and are not a true bone-deep reflection of our own personal values - My personal values are what define me as an individual. My values are what guide me and propell me into the future - they are what help me to distinguish what is right from what is wrong - they help me to lead a life full of meaning and purpose... am I me-deep in fooling myself about what my life truly is about? My values are to set my priorities - what the heck are they? I sometimes find it difficult to be true to myself - it means going against the crowd and making a stand... sometimes I would much rather just forego my position in order to avoid confrontation is seem so much easier at the time - that is until later when my 'me' is lost altogether... so that is why I am here now... looking at uncovering what my core values are... what motivates me each and every day...

Now to list a few values...caring, appearance, children, travel, family, faith, wisdom, accountability, calm, orderliness, communication, creativity, friendship, personal growth, loyalty, love/romance, leadership, integrity, honesty, gratitude, fun, respect for others, tradition, trust, truth, unity...
Ok so that is a ton of values... now it is just a matter determining which of those are my core values... my core motivators... my core decision makers... a task for another day maybe... lol I think maybe I should add procrastinating to the list... :S

My family, my love

This is my family... aren't they beautiful! I love them so much (most of the time)... The picture is a little out of date - but it is certainly one of my favourites! I am at the bottom on the left, then momma, Brook, April, Aaron, and Heather - a big group we are - but FULL of love! smiles... Of course I have to say that my family extends to include a great deal of other people... friends that are close enought that they can be family too... if ya really wanna be! giggles...

Its my first time...

It's my first time...
buying a tennis racket...
getting a criminal record check in Terrace...
playing tennis ever....
playing tennis with Tamara...
eating fruit bars on a blanket in the library park...
writing my thoughts in this blog...